The End

I feel like I'm at the end...I know I've made my plans but they couldn't happen fast enough. Thought I was done being treated this way...Boy was I wrong. Didn't think this is how it'd be. Did I do something? Did I not do something? I know I've tried but...I shouldn't have to be the one that always does!! It's not fair. I guess all in all this is the best...I just hope that I haven't already lost too much of myself. It's almost to the point where I just want to say I don't care. I can't say that though, not about everything. Maybe things here I can but somehow I feel that wouldn't be right. I don't know. Have I ever known? Was this all a mistake? Should I have not come? How was I to know? I'm glad I have a goal and I know I can do it. Would people or one oerson even notice that I'll be gone? Most likely not, a big part of me still gets hurt. I lived that my whole life and it's going to stop, come next month. I just need to focus on my goal. My brothers are what's important now. I need to get out of here so much, it's not funny. In time, all in time. Yeah, not soon enough.

Ahh...

What to do when you miss some people that are very important to you? I've had some very rough times with my family, and I'm sorry to say that for some of them it's a lost cause. I don't like that fact and maybe that could change but not any time soon. However, there are a few of them that I miss so terribly. I can't talk to some of them I don't even know where some are and that just makes it worse. I don't like the fact that I'm so far away from them either. I hate it. I don't like hurting like this. I don't like choking up at the silliest things, or having things remind me of them. It hurts so much that sometimes I feel like I want to just curl up and not exist anymore. It makes me want to disappear and I know that that's not a good thing to feel but that's how I feel. I don't like it. What do you do? I love them with all my heart and I can't be with them. How is that fair? To any of us? I certainly wish I could answer these questions I have...I can't.

Blah...

I've been feeling like this for a while now. I can't exactly pinpoint a reason why I feel like this. I am grateful that for the moment the dreams have stopped. Well, I haven't had one in a couple of days so...I am feeling a bit better, emotional wise. That's what was getting to me. Stress and everything else. Then there are times where I swear it's almost like I can't feel anything. That's the best explaination I can come up with. Blah. Such a great word. That's how I feel with stress and other moods that I know that I get into and it's annoying. I don't want to feel blah. I know it's not all the time but still I feel it at times and I shouldn't, should I? I'm liking where I am now but then there's nagging feeling I get and frankly, I can't seem to shake it. Why is that? This waiting ti getting to me too. I've been praying that I find something soon and now it's looking like I jsut might have something sooner than I thought. lol. Finally I'm able to make my lemonade. lol. Sometimes I never understood that phrase. lol. I believe I understand now. Ah well. Once I get back on my feet again, I'm sure I'll be ok. I just have to keep believing that and stay positive and it'll happen. Believe, stay positive, have faith, and pray. I can do those things. Those are good things to have in your life, especially at the bumps and turns that the journey of life takes you.

What to do...

Ahh what to do when you feel like you are'nt even there? How do you go about making yourself be there? Emotional exhaustion is what I'm blaming this on. I think you would too if you were in my shoes. lol. I finally have a job, yay me! I star on Friday. That's good, don't know how much I'll be working but it's better than nothing. We'll see, they want me caught up pretty quickly so we'll see how it goes. Very similar to one of my other jobs in the past, don't think there will be a problem. Maybe that's what I need to be seen. Almost at the giving up stage and I'm determined not to get there. I don't know...could be just me. I feel out of place. Like I'm here but I'm also elsewhere. I can't say which part of me is where all I know is that's how I feel. I just feel so numb lately and I'm not sure why. I just don't know. I don't what I feel anymore. I'm surprised I'm able to get out of bed and get ready for the day. Walking for a bit helps, somewhat. Writing, listening to music hasn't been helping in the same way like it used to. Reading, HA! I've been praying more and more but...I can't see it. It's like I'm blinded by something. Like an ecilpse that blocking my vision. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Maybe all of htis was a mistake...was it? Is it? How can I tell for sure? Then to find out something that you didn't know for years...well that's just the icing. It's nice knowing now but what do I do with it now? If only I had known all those years ago...I don't know anymore.

Confusing

Where to begin? A part of me is content where I am now and the other is wandering about with just this look os sadness, confusion, lost, out of place look on it's face. I adapted here much more quickly than I did before in September. How can this be? I can't explain it...I almost with I could it all out and just pick and be done with it but I know I can't do that. If only it were possible but then where would that take me...so many questions and no answers. It's all so bewildering that it seems that I can't get a grip on it. Then other times I feel almost at peace, isn't that weird? Ah well, such is my life at this moment. I've got to keep my faith though because if I lose that then I don't know where I'll be. Got to stay strong and I'll make it through this. What's that phrase? Um...ah, "This too shall pass", and it will I just need to give it time.

Life Now

So much and not enough room! lol. These dreams are starting to wear on me, started having them a couple of weeks ago or so. They are so terrible. After each one I wake up in tears. Sometimes I'm not sure where I am...and some of them are so terrible that most nights I'm afraid to go to sleep. Maybe going for that walk will help tonight. I'm so hoping. But you know, a whole new adventure begins for me tomorrow and maybe that's exactly what I need right now. Maybe I just have too much now...I don't know. We'll soon find out. lol. Could be just homesick too, I suppose. I don't know. I know there are so many loved ones that are helping me through this. I am so grateful for that because there was a time when I was alone. I thank the Creator each day for the loved ones I do have now with me.

What do you do when you can't the ones you love? What if you weren't able to speak to them? If you couldn't tell your brothers and sisters that you love them...what would you do? How can you deal with something like this? How can you bear it? And be far away from them as well. My head knows that they know I love them but how do I tell my heart? How do I make it stop hurting? It pains me each time I see something that reminds me of them. Or if I see kids that look just like them, see something that they're interested in, something they'd like. I wonder if this pain will ever lessen or can it only get worse? Do they understand? Have they forgiven me? Do they hate me? Will I ever know? Questions and no answers.......