What do you do when you can't the ones you love? What if you weren't able to speak to them? If you couldn't tell your brothers and sisters that you love them...what would you do? How can you deal with something like this? How can you bear it? And be far away from them as well. My head knows that they know I love them but how do I tell my heart? How do I make it stop hurting? It pains me each time I see something that reminds me of them. Or if I see kids that look just like them, see something that they're interested in, something they'd like. I wonder if this pain will ever lessen or can it only get worse? Do they understand? Have they forgiven me? Do they hate me? Will I ever know? Questions and no answers.......

Life...So much work, huh?

So much work there is to life, who would've thought. It's incredible what talking can do lol! Amazing really. Drama once again but it calmed down and was still confusing and frustrating yet, I wish I had an explaination for that lol!! I guess that's something I have to figure out for myself...hopefully I have some help along the way.....

Anixous, excited, happy, and satisfied!

Who knew work could be all these things and more? Today I helped a partically blind girl shop. It was amazing!!! I held the items out for her to feel, she took my arm when I offered it. We went around the store (The Disney Store) like this for almost two hours this afternoon. Now this is already a fun place to shop, mind you, and she told me the two things she liked and off we went in search of them!! Lol. Ariel and Tinkerbell were our mission, in this long and fun process we managed to find three t-shirts for her, (Tinkerbell) and a pillow which was Ariel.
<:AtomicElement> Afterwards, I felt like I had accomplished something major!! It made me feel better about things, well at least some things. I also started my Christmas shopping. Just a little something for kinda like another niece. Issy's four and loves dogs, so I got her this tin with 101 Dalmations on it. I was also able to find something for my boyfriend's birthday!!! Finally after like a month and a half of racking my brain trying to figure out what to get him, I found something!!!! YAY for me!!! I saw and felt amazing today, something was telling me that I'll be okay. So will everything else. I can grieve and I will. Still not too sure if I'll be able to stop but maybe I won't be crying myself to sleep anymore......wish me luck.

Why must there be so much drama? I feel like all of my energy has been drained from me. Yesterday I found out an ex co-worker and friend died in a car accident between 2-3 weeks ago!! Then wake up this morning to find another one of my friends lost her twin babies 2 weeks ago!! Add that to my already fixed drama....I can't. Is it possible to feel empty? To not be able to feel anything? I'm afraid to cry. I know I won't be able to stop if I start. Why must life come with so much pain? I never understood that part of it. I've seen and felt so much of it, I almost thought mybe I wouldn't for a while. A mistake. I know that I have to grieve and I will. Will I be able to stop tho is the question...